Ashley Lynn TS

As a spoiler and a content warning to other trans folk: Last night I kinda came to terms with the fact that agitating my dysphoria (as a genderfluid NB boy) can be a pretty powerful tool sexually, and this entry will be about that. If you have no idea what gender dysphoria is, it's essentially the extremely unpleasant sensation some experience when they're externally made to feel like a different gender than what they internally feel.

So last night marked the first time in years that I had cyber sex with someone for free. Dunno why, since it's not something I'm really into anymore. But I dunno, this guy was good at it, and his earnest confession that his wife doesn't know he spends his time digitally wrecking cute femboy faggots landed just right; I'm maybe a bit too eager to play gay homewrecker.

But anyway, the session didn't last very long in the end. Pretty sure his wife got back and he emergency exited. Which left me extremely pent up. So I turned to my left and told my Daddy about it. The whole thing was relatable to him, as someone who stopped talking to his ex-wife because of me, and as another self-professed femboy wrecker. And, well, the desperation was radiating off of me. He likes me desperate, so he obliged.

We kissed, he pulled my hair, slapped me hard for being such an insatiable faggot. Shoved me down and fucked my face, pinned me. The whole thing went similarly to in my last diary entry (don't fix what ain't broke), and I wouldn't even make a diary entry of this... except, things went a bit different when he inevitably went for my tits. The permanent mark of his years of feminizing me.

Like last time, he got me to confess that while I hate how they make me feel, I actually love hating it. That giving up control of my body is all worth it to be Dommed by a man like him. But more came out of me. I confessed that the man I'd had cyber sex with didn't realize I had titties like these, and that I had wondered if he'd even consider me a boy if he knew. This admission got Daddy to go after my tits even harder, which prised more from my lips. I said that while I may no longer consider myself a girl (or at least that it's now a small part of my genderfluidity), I'm grateful I spent a couple years thinking of myself as one, because it taught me how much I hate being a girl. Because now, when he subjects me to the overwhelming sensation of having my fat titties played with, I feel miserable over how much it makes me feel like a girl. And I'm addicted to that feeling. I've never been able to fully escape dysphoria, and now I've become addicted to it, getting my masochistic fix from it.

And Daddy seemed all too excited to give me what I wanted. He told me how at this point, with my tits this big and my dick so small, I'm only a boy by technicality. (Do either of us believe that? Hell no. But he knows my dysphoria triggers well enough.) He laughed at how defensive that got me, reassured me he sees me as a boy, but asked me if it didn't feel good to be talked to that way. It did.

I thanked Daddy for taking control of my body, and he came super hard on me as he moaned about how much he loves feminizing his sissy femboy. And I didn't cum, having only had my titties played with, but here's the thing: My whole body was shaking, trembling, tingling. Not in a bad way, in the way I would after an orgasm. I'd had a cum-free orgasm, just by having my dysphoria played with so hard. The pleasantly unpleasant feeling of my titties being mauled and sucked. The confessions of how much I love hating it, feeling something like nails across my skin, irritating but good. Daddy saying something he knew would spark my dysphoria harder, even though he didn't mean it. It all drove me to a wickedly strong orgasm. And laying in the afterglow with my Daddy, I confessed one last thing: While I'm content to only wear a binder when he gives me permission to hide my titties, I am every bit as turned on as I am horrified by the idea of him following through on his desire to give me implants too big to be hidden by a binder.

Because I'm a fucked up little masochist sissy femboy, and my body's only as good as the orgasms it brings my Daddy and me.